Being realistic about “Yes, and…”

Every now and again, you read a heartwarming story about a client who needed something and the customer service associate who went above and beyond. You know the story: He wanted the gift wrapped, they didn’t wrap presents, so a heroic associate went downtown, bought some wrapping paper, came back and wrapped it and everybody thought that was great. And you know what? It was great. It was really great. But then a lot of other executives read the story and said, “Why don’t we provide that level of customer service?” They sent out some memos. And then they laid off a few people because if you’ve got eyes, fingers, a mouth and ears, you should be able to do an online live chat and take a phone call at the same time and the company could use those savings…

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t go above and beyond for your customers. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep an eye on costs. I’m saying that you have to align your resources, what you want to be able to do and what you’re willing to pay to do. And if there are trade-offs, you have to be prepared to deal with that.

I recently encountered the phrase, “Yes, and…” in the context of brainstorming. And it was lovely, there, a way to encourage the acceptance of any ideas as a starting point for investigating the world’s possibilities. But I’ve also encountered, “Yes, and…” in the context of closing sales. And there, it can turn into a nightmare of overpromising and underdelivering. Because the truth is that while it’s important to be open to new possibilities, it’s also important to set limits. I am writing about this here, on a career communication blog, because you need to know that if you don’t modify your communication approach as you move from the brainstorming phase of a communication arc to the solidifying details phase, you’re setting yourself up to overpromise, underdeliver and become known as unreliable.

So, let’s talk a little about this. It’s important, especially because depending on your culture and background, there may be places where speaking up feels a little too natural – you want to be gentle during the brainstorming phase – or possibly rude – you need to set limits, even on people who outrank you or are buying from you during the finalization of details.

Brainstorming phrases:

  • Interesting idea! What if…
  • Yes, we should do something about that. How would you…
  • I like that. Is there a way to…

Details phrases:

  • Do you want to do X, or is Y more important?
  • We can add X, but only if we increase Y to cover the cost.
  • Doing X and Y could be redundant. Which one should we keep?

And, for the details phase, there’s one more important thing you have to be willing to say: We can only promise to do our part if you do your part. Please initial here to confirm that you understand this.

Whether you are working with colleagues, clients or even friends or family, an essential part of communication is being open to try new things but prepared to set limits on just what you can or are willing to do. Just like a company, if you really want to be full service, you have to be willing to invest the time and resources to go above and beyond: desire is not enough. And just like a company, if you want to be known for delivering, you have to only promise what you can deliver.

What is Strategic Empathy?

Some people can’t help but putting themselves in other people’s shoes. Their heart races at the scary part of the movie and they’re sad all day if a co-worker is having a bad day. Other people may be unaware of the social nuances of what is going on around them. But even the extremely empathetic experience other people’s thoughts and feelings through their own lens.

Strategic Empathy is a technique for understanding what the other person in your communications is thinking, and getting past the notion that they should feel the same way you do. There are two especially important components: Looking for the win-win and steering clear of the win-lose. Let’s say that you are having trouble getting a co-worker to do their part of a project. You have to try to understand what may be holding them back. But more than that, you have to look for a way that they will benefit along with you and the company if they pull it together. As important, you are looking for a way to not get them in trouble with your manager or their manager if you don’t have to. This may involve offering to trade tasks so they can focus on something more compatible with what they’re struggling with, for example. When you do this, you should make it clear that you’re making the suggestion to help and if it won’t help the other person should suggest something else.

Using Strategic Empathy does not meaning that you let yourself be taken advantage of. It’s more about building a bank of goodwill and favors that you can call in later. This is why it’s so important to not only look for the win-win, but avoid the win-lose. This is dealing with people that you are going to have to continue to work with. You want them on your side because somewhere down the road it may be you who needs something. Creating a collaborative atmosphere will not only earn you favors to call in from this person. It will also create an image of you as a helpful and understanding person, which will also make others more likely to be helpful and understanding for you.

What’s the difference between Strategic Empathy and being a nice person?

Strategic Empathy is deliberate, and calculated. Even when you’re having a bad day yourself, you still want to play the part of the helpful and understanding co-worker. Maybe especially – you may need to monitor yourself more to play the part when your heart’s not in it. Further, it is not a touchy-feely dream about universal and unending harmony. It is a deliberate effort to shape the social environment in which you work to reduce frictions you know are inevitable. This is a place where you have the power to change not just yourself but those around you in a way that is ultimately to everyone’s advantage. So the next time you realize you’d like to give a coworker a good talking to, or maybe have a talk with your boss, think about what you can do first to give them a chance to do better and yourself a chance to be the good guy. If that doesn’t work, then you can escalate.

Mentoring Yourself with a Coach

When you’re looking for career advice, one thing you’re often told is to find a mentor. This is easier said than done, however. People who seem to be making the right decisions will naturally attract mentors who can help them go from good to great. But that may not be you. The good news is you know more than you think. You just need a way to be honest with yourself in making sense of it.

What does coaching have to do with this?

When you get a mentor, they may bring a lot of knowledge to the table about how to succeed in an industry or position. But that knowledge is particular to them. They didn’t get where they are on knowledge alone. There are other variables like education, the people they’ve met by chance, the interests that have given them different ways of looking at things. A good mentor will also have a knowledge of people that lets them advise you as you, not as a junior version of themselves. Not all mentors can do that though.

A coach does not bring the industry-specific expertise of a mentor. But they are an expert in a different area: understanding what makes people tick, and helping you understand how you tick. This can include identifying emotional blind-spots, saboteur behaviors and things that you’re good at. But there’s another element: In a coaching session focused on you, there is a place to draw out the things that you know, make sense of them and decide what to do about it. Even if you’re not succeeding at work, you know who is and what their interactions with other look like. Even if you have a coworker you clash with, if you stop and think about it you can probably predict how they’ll react to certain situations or things you might say. By taking the time to learn about you, about your environment and about the feedback your environment is giving you, a coach can help you figure out things you might not have realized, or might not have wanted to admit.

If you need a mentor, but can’t find a mentor who’s right for you, who gets you or, let’s be honest, you can’t find anyone who wants to take you on as a “mentee” that you would want to be mentored by, a life coach or career coach may be the way to go. Even if you do have a mentor, a coach can be good because their only focus in your coaching session is you. They help you mentor yourself.

Part of a successful coaching relationship is finding someone you’re comfortable with. I am a certified life coach, and I would be glad to meet with you for a short consultation to see if coaching – and coaching with me – is right for you. You can set up a free consultation at the main page. Think someone else may be a better fit? Visit this LinkedIn page to request proposals from other coaches on LinkedIn.

How are you stopping yourself?

The other day, I was talking to my life coach (most life coaches have their own coach, because they know the value of coaching) and she mentioned something she’d been learning about, Positive Intelligence. This is a little different from plain old intelligence (IQ) and emotional intelligence (EQ) because it’s main focus is resiliency. The idea was formulated by Shirzad Charmine. Like many such ideas, there’s an element of marketing and an element of truth here. Good PQ will not necessarily make you rich, powerful, healthy or good looking. What it will do is give you an element of balance or equanimity so you can take life’s challenges as they come.

The evangelist, D L Moody, once noted:

I have never met a man who has given me as much trouble as myself.

D L Moody

As it turns out, one of the keys to dealing with life is getting out of your own way. And that means letting go of thought patterns (and their attendant actions) that developed as coping mechanisms that no longer serve us. Charmine refers to these patterns as Saboteurs, and knowing your Saboteurs can help you keep an eye on when you’re on emotional autopilot instead of thinking things through.

My two favorite Saboteurs are the Pleaser, and the Avoider. I like giving good news and I don’t like giving bad news. Sometimes this focuses the mind on ways to creatively serve in tricky situations. But it can also lead to the sales phenomenon known as over-promising and under-delivering. Good intentions can’t change reality, and words and deeds intended to protect our inner child can make things worse.

One of the reasons I focus so much on empathy in my communication and coaching is that when we see things only from our own perspective, we don’t just miss the opportunity to communicate and work with people more effectively; we also discount the possibility that our own perspective may be off. Knowing what really serves you, and thinking through what will serve the other person, can help you find win-win situations that lead to mutual benefit and growth.

You can learn more about your Saboteurs by taking the free quiz at Charmine’s site. The quiz is here. (There are, obviously, follow up e-mails that will try to sell you things.) Even if you don’t take the quiz, though, when you find yourself upset or frustrated, you should take a deep breath, pause for a few minutes, and then ask yourself if any elements of your emotion are coming from a desire to shield yourself from your fears or weaknesses, rather than from logical analysis. This is almost always the case.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am a life coach, and I’m glad to help you work through communication issues, including the non-verbal elements, that may be holding you back. My fees are pretty reasonable, but if you’ve been knocked on your bottom by COVID and the economic ripples it has created, let me know and we’ll see if we can arrange something. Go to my main page to book a free first consultation.

New Year’s Resolutions

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Will Durant, summarizing Aristotle

When the New Year dawns, to mix metaphors, it is common to set resolutions for the new year. It is just as common to break most of them by February. We blame our lack of willpower, or attention span, or the demands of life, when this happens. But there’s really a different problem: The coming of the new year does not add to the hours in a day. When something new is added, something old has to give. When some new course is chosen, and old course must give way. When the time comes to make resolutions, though, we give to little thought to how we are going to make room for them in our lives.

When I became a certified Smoking Cessation therapist, a key lesson from the course was that substitution beats willpower. Finding out why a person smokes – physical sensation, boredom or maybe just an excuse to leave the office for a few minutes – gives you a clue as to what routine or substitution can allow the smoker to capture what they were getting out of smoking in a different way.

One of the most common people promise themselves to do at the new year is to lose weight. But why do people gain weight? Comfort food calms when we’re stressed. Fast food lets us eat now when we’re tired. Snacks in front of the television give us something to do with our hands when our bodies are still, and it may remind us of getting out to the movies. These are, of course, just a few of the reasons we don’t eat as well as we should. And as for exercise, that requires time, time that is getting shorter and shorter as we spend more time on our smart phones with Facebook friends we didn’t actually talk to in real life and with work that used to end when we left the office. So eating right and exercising more to lose weight doesn’t just require motivation, it requires changing a lot of things that have crept into ever busier lives without our intending it.

In the past several years, I’ve seen a lot of useful books about habits and habit formation. The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg, comes to mind. We know you need to replace bad habits with good ones. And we know a little bit about how. But still you must ask yourself, Why do we form bad habits in the first place? Understanding what you get from your bad habits is the first key to changing them. Because otherwise, when you find yourself in those situations where the bad habit gave you comfort, satisfaction, or maybe a feeling of control, you will need to find willpower to resist temptation. By knowing what’s going on, you can redirect it.

So, if you want a new year’s resolution, I would suggest one, and only one: Be conscious of what you’re doing, saying and thinking. Ask yourself if you would like for things to be different. And if you would, instead of beating yourself up, understand that you were trying to take care of yourself and look for a better way to do so.

All about empathy

Have you ever said or done anything stupid? If not, congratulations! Maybe you should be reading a website for perfect people who don’t need help…

Now that it’s just us imperfect people here, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Everybody says and does stupid things sometimes. And we all hate it when we get called out on it. Especially when we didn’t realize we were the idiot in the room until everyone was looking at us.

When you’re communicating with other people, in business or in life, sometimes you’re going to be the idiot. And sometimes it’s going to be someone else. Either way, be gentle. If you see someone making a mistake, think about how you’d want them to handle it if you were the one making the mistake. Would you want an e-mail copied to everyone in the department making it clear you’re illiterate and incompetent? Or would you want a private message saying, hey, this doesn’t look like it will work, maybe re-evaluate?

The great thing about a friendly e-mail is if the person you’re talking to sees reason, they owe you one and they’ll appreciate that you looked out for them. If not, then you can forward that sucker everywhere, but you gave them a fair chance. A chance you’d like to have if it’s you that made the mistake.

So often, we get caught up in details about who’s right and who’s wrong and passing out credit. It seems like a great idea until you’re the one on the wrong side of an interaction. So basic Golden Rule stuff, if you want to work in an organization where when people make mistakes they get understanding and gentle correction, it starts with you. Make friends by looking out for other people when and where you can. The favor will be repaid.

Empathy and communication

“In politics, sincerity is everything. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx

I’ve talked before about the fact that effective communication has more to do with how you’re heard than what you say. One of the biggest problems we run into is assuming that everyone thinks like us, or at least that they should. I’ll forego the sermonette about the value of diversity of thought and how boring the world would be if things were like that. Bottom line: They aren’t like that. This means that part of effective communication is trying to understand how other people think.

What should you do to be a more empathetic communicator?

First of all, start on common ground and assume a common purpose. This means banal pleasantries to show that you, too, experience weather, followed by something related to what you’re working on. Don’t start off with religion or politics because they might have a different worldview from yours and 1) you don’t want to alienate them from you and 2) you don’t want to get into a discussion where your prejudgments about the kind of person you’re working with affect your ability to get what you need where goals are shared.

Second, listen. Some people reach out, some people want to be heard. Some can’t see where you’re going and others just don’t feel right about certain things. These sense metaphors for communication let you know 1) which metaphors to answer with to build rapport and 2) which metaphors to use if you want to convince someone of something.

Third, if you think the other person is an idiot, they may well think the same of you. You may both be right! But if you let transparent disdain for another person’s intelligence or ideas wreck your ability to work with them, there’s definitely at least one idiot in the conversation: you. So assume the best of other people till you have proof to the contrary and look for ways to engage with what they’re saying. If they have something to offer, awesome. If not, at least you haven’t made any enemies who might pop up and mess up other projects of yours at a later date.

In future posts, I’ll talk more about how to put yourself in another person’s shoes. But for now, keep in mind that when you engage with another person the quickest way to blow an opportunity is to win an argument you didn’t have to have. Think positively about the people you’re talking to and the prospect that you can get something done together and you’ll be on a much surer footing whether you decide to build a relationship or just get through the interaction before moving on to something better.

Being true to yourself with your communication

I have written before about the false conflict between positioning and being true to yourself. Today, though, I would like to look at another false conflict: Is it hypocritical to not give my unvarnished opinion? A lot of people complain about political correctness. A lot of other people defend it as simply being polite. But the truth is you have to find a middle ground between policing your every thought and being totally unfiltered. People who tell their boss or customers they are idiots don’t go very far, especially when it’s true!

In some cultures, being direct and telling it like it is can be prized as strong and assertive. This used to be the case in corporate America… if you were the boss. Let’s be honest, it was never great for one’s career to be blunt with people above you on the org chart unless you knew in advance that they would be in at least partial agreement. In other cultures, on the other hand, deference and avoidance of conflict is very important. In the United States, what tends to be most prized is sort of telling it like it is.

More in sorrow than in anger… Truth tellers in the typical American corporation do not delight in delivering news that has a hard edge. They feel bad about it. They say what has to be said and let the chips fall where they may, but only after they’ve made a mental calculation about which chips and where. That done, they couch what they’re saying in terms that will be understanding, inclusive and with a positive framing – challenges, not problems.

The thing is, if delivering bad news isn’t fun, it is still necessary. If you see a problem and don’t say anything, you will be blamed if something blows up and your colleagues are taken by surprise. So just as those who pride themselves on being direct have to dial it back to the “More in sorrow than in anger…” framing, those who don’t like to give bad news have to work their way up to using this framing.

You’ll notice that so far, I have not talked about expressing yourself authentically. Here’s the thing, the mantra I keep coming back to: Successful communication does not say what you want to say; it gets people to hear what you need them to hear. Being true to yourself means making sure what you stand for is heard. Because if you just say what you think, or say nothing at all, there is a communication block where you will be either misunderstood or not heard at all.

Being heard the way you want to be heard starts with basic civility. The person who greets people kindly, asks how they’re doing, says please and thank you, is a person that other people are open to. So even if it feels phony to you, be polite, be open, be generous in your assessments of others, at least in your speaking. It will allow you to be heard when you have something important to say. And that is the true essence of being true to yourself.

Why would you need a communication coach?

Do you need a communication coach? And what is a communication coach, anyway? Is that like debate prep? Well, no, a communication coach is a sort of life coach/career coach with a special focus. You see, often people work hard or have great ideas, but somehow there’s a problem getting other people to buy in to what they have to offer. And a big reason for that is that you’re not presenting and positioning yourself in a way that allows you to have the impact you want.

On this blog, I have written about some of the communication missteps I’ve made and how I’ve corrected them. More important, though, as a language teacher I’ve found myself time and again helping people who were saying what they wanted to say, but not the right way to get the response they wanted.

One of the biggest issues we run into in communication is how you position yourself. We would like to believe that if we work hard and do a good job, people will notice and appreciate our efforts. And if you toot your own horn, you can come across as self-involved or demanding too much attention. At the same time, if you don’t draw attention to the things you’re getting done, your work will be taken for granted, not celebrated.

If getting yourself recognized is important, it’s also important to get recognition for others who deserve it. By being an advocate for your peers, you can do your part to create an environment where everyone’s contribution is recognized. You can also gain allies in building this kind of culture and take on a leadership role by being the first to act, while giving credit to those who work with you.

There is one other place where I see communication creating a lot of issues with success, and that is being culturally appropriate. Whether you’re working in a different country or even a different part of the U.S., you are going to encounter cultural differences that make the communication style that succeeded where you grew up fizzle where you are now. Developing strategies to understand how you are perceived and how you can change that perception to align with who you are at your best can be the difference between getting a promotion and being deemed difficult to work with or insufficiently proactive.

If you have a feeling that you are doing your best but people just aren’t appreciating it, whether in life or at work, a communication coach can help. Part of it may be you. Part of it may be those other people who don’t get where you’re coming from. But either way, you need to adjust how you work with other people – and with your own internal narrative! – if you want to make a change. A coach who can help you find that new perspective – a new way of winning – and hold you accountable for growing and learning may be just what you need.

Positioning: Play the person you want to be

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Not Aristotle

One of the issues people run into when doing self-improvement is they’re afraid they aren’t being true to themselves. We should, of course, be careful about trying to suddenly becoming a new person because that can both confuse the people around us and make them skeptical when old patterns reassert. I wrote about that earlier. However, the person we often have the hardest time convincing is our own self. This requires a shift in mindset. People like to say “fake it until you make it,” but the problem is you feel fake and that comes through.

When you are working on something like your communication style, it is essential to recognize that while who you become will evolve out of your past, it doesn’t have to mirror it. The thing is, you have to decide who you want to be. You are who you are because that’s where life brought you when you went along with it. You can stay that course, which seems easier, but in the long run it might truly be easier to let some more inconvenient life patterns drop.

When it comes to work communication, the thing you need to change most often is an extreme: too direct, too timid, too cynical, too emotional… When people decide to work on these things, or their bosses decide for them, the first challenge is that you have to take the focus off of what you were doing before and put it on what you are going to do now. A word of advice: Being true to yourself means taking care of yourself, not staying true to patterns that weren’t necessarily helpful. What you want to do is to reflect to the world a person who is able to get the things the person inside you wants. That means positioning.

Above, I cited the Aristotle quote about excellence. The problem is that actually, pretty much everything is a habit. You can’t just become excellent, then. You have to stop doing what you were doing before. This is best done gradually, as I noted in my earlier essay. For today, pick one thing that isn’t working for you, then look at somebody who seems to handle that issue the way you wish you could. Steal one or two of their patterns, the ones you think will work best for you, and work on becoming more like them. Then pray that they’re successful since what their strategies bring them they will probably bring you too! But in the mean time, play with it. By moving gradually, you can reorient. This is not about becoming a new person, but about changing the position you are in with respect to events and other people.

Remember: being true to yourself is not about sticking to habits, but about positioning yourself to present, then by habit become, the person you need to be to enjoy the life you want.